Friday, December 19, 2008

Struggling today

It's one of those days where I'm questioning a lot of things that have taken place lately.

Mark came to see the kids yesterday after work. After our little snow storm (which is a big deal for this area!!!), I decided not to travel into work WITH the kids because I couldn't get out of the driveway, and I wasn't going to push it because I just didn't feel safe. Mark drove from work up to my house later that afternoon, barely making it up the hill and getting stuck a few times in the neighborhood. After some struggling to park the car, he decided to just leave it where it "landed".

He played with the kids and helped me put them to bed, and then we made dinner and decided to watch a movie, The Dark Knight. I offered to let him stay the night considerting the weather and that temperatures were down to about 14 degrees last night.
And as we were watching the movie and I was laying on the floor by the fire, and Mark was right behind me on the couch, I was thinking a lot about how we had EVERYTHING and now it's all gone. I was laying there thinking that this IS how my nights should be. Putting my kids to bed with their father, cooking dinner with my husband, relaxinging and winding down watching a movie with someone I love. Not what I've been doing for the past 6-7 months which is putting the kids to bed by myself, cooking myself dinner, watching TV by myself and going to bed alone.

And for the first time since this all started about 8 months ago, I'm second guessing my decisions. Is it really worth splitting up our family? I know he wasn't perfect, but neither was I. Is this fair to our children? Shouldn't they be able to have both parents in a family who live together and love eachother? Lord knows I still love him

So what do I do? Am I doing the right thing?

12 comments:

Lisa said...

Wow, I am sorry Julie! That has to be so hard. But honestly I do think that you are doing the right thing. I mean, I don't know all of the details, but from what you told me it seems like you did everything that you could to make to it work and even gave him a second chance when many others wouldn't have. You deserve something that you can trust to be there. Hugs!!

Sonja said...

My initial reaction is to think - No don't take him back, but it would hardly be fair for me to say what the best decision is for you & your kids. I guess one of the questions I would be asking is: "Will trust always be an issue?" In the end, you will know what the right choice is. You deserve to be happy.

Sara and Dustin said...

Julie,

I agree with the other girls when they said "you deserve to be happy".
I don't know your situation very well, only from what you have shared online - just follow your heart and do what is best for you.

Kelli said...

You definately deserve to be happy. That may mean forgiving Mark and giving him another chance (or it may not mean that at all). I think it would be almost impossible for me to forgive him, but I have never been in the position to really know. Sometimes horrible things in our lives have to be forgiven. Sometimes we have to take huge risks. Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting, which is a blessing and a burden. I am so sorry you have had to go through this and I hope that no matter what you decide that you are able to have love and happiness.

The Koza's said...

The question is... does he still love you? I am sure he loves the mother of his children, but being in love and loving someone is completly different. You are doing the right thing and it will get harder, but you can and WILL get through this. You are a lot stonger of a women than you are giving yourself credit for. Be strong. I LOVE YOU

Annie said...

Oh, I feel your pain! I think the PP said it right-what does he think? what does he say? have you done counseling? I can't imagine what you are going thru-and I totally understand your plight..........hang in there. I know you still love him......

Mark and Julie said...

Annie, the PP is right on. I don't think he loves me, I'm actually not sure he ever did.

I think he loved what I did for him, and he loved not being alone. But I don't think he loves me the way a husband should love his wife, and therein lies the source of most/all of our issues.

Thanks everyone for the support, it means a lot to me.

Mrs. P said...

All I can say is if there is ANY chance that this can be worked out....TRY.

If not, that's OK....but if you think there is any chance at all it's worth it to try. If it fails, it fails....

I only know a little of what you have said on TC. Trust *can* be repaired...*IF* you want it to be. If you don't you have every right to end it.

This is just my opinion. I am still heartbroken for you. Your family is just so beautiful.

Beyond happiness is JOY. You may find Joy in reconciliation, you may not. Life is about choices, and I am so so so sorry that you have to make this tough one. I would like to think I would try to keep us together, but I don't know if I could.

Anonymous said...

I THINK PEOPLE TODAY DONT REALIZE THE VOWS THEY TOOK. LOOK ST THE 3 MIRACLES YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND PRODUCED! ARENT THEY WORTH TRYING TO RECONCILE WITH EACH OTHER? THEY DESERVE TO HAVE A MOTHER AND FATHER TOGETHER. ARE YOUR PARENTS TOGETHER?

Mark and Julie said...

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate your input. This is such a tough spot to be in. I will continue to think and pray about it.

Anonymous, to answer your question- my parents are still together, his are divorced and both are remarried.

www.juliestainbrook.com said...

Hey Julie! I am going through what you are and I feel your pain and I feel your hesitation. YOU deserve to be LOVED endlessly and your kids NEED parents who LOVE and CARE for one another. It is better to raise them alone then to raise them in an UNSTABLE house hold. There are amazing men out there that will LOVE you just like you loved Mark. Hang in there. Just remember this to shall pass. When all feels lost just trust in God. I love you and want what is best for you. Here are two quotes for you that I heard in church on Sunday. They seem very appropriate. "Who you are thunders so loudly in my ears that I can't hear what you are saying". and then this one "life isn't about waiting for the storms to pass....it is about learning to dance in the rain" Julie..... why we go through this..... I don't know..... just know I am here if you ever need to talk. Love you.

Anonymous said...

anonymous my parents are divorced her parents are still married but her father is remarried and his child from his previous marriage and even his family do not want to have anything to do with that side of the family, which should say a lot. For Julie to say that I never loved her is just wrong I have been by her side through many tough times in her life and I have and still love her but there is alway more to a story then just one persons side.